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I go from happy to not in a heart-beat, but I don't know if I really feel love. In looking at dream I had last night, I wonder if it would be his no matter what or if this is because f the life choices I made. In short, is this karma? I always ask out loud what it was I did to get me into a shit-storm I am in, and then ask what I did to deserve this karma. After the dream I had to step back and ask myself if it was the way I acted in high school... I wasn't a horribly mean person, I got along with almos everyone but I certainly didn't fit in any one area. In looking back, I have to ask myself if I isolated myself because I presented myself in a way that wasn't truthful. I would imply that I "partied" and was promiscuis; I did neither. I drank the summer between my Junior and Senior year and aside from one other night in mind, I was a good kid. I was not any of the things I presented myself as and now I wonder if that pushed people away and they assume I was a whore-ish person. I kind of want to just yell to world I acted only how I thought I should be acting. Dumb? Yes. What can I do? I still was nice and I still earned decent grades... I don't know though. I could even tell you why I acted that way. I won't say why here, but there's reasoning. I didn't know that then, but I understand why now. What if that's the reason my life is exactly as it is now? What if that's the reason I am becoming an axiety-ridden mess by each growing day and that why a strom cloud follows?

Would I go back, I don't know. I have a pretty good family now but... I still feel like I am missing something.