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Again? We meet so soon.


Today: I woke up baby, he was mad because he was still sleepy... and he has a cold. I went back to work from Spring Break. I had a good day. The chair I brought in as a replacement accidentally was "removed" from Forum; (it was thrown out). It was opening day. The Cubs lost, the Sox won. My Nana died.

I don't write enough. That's a good place to start. So, I know I wrote about the tragedy that was my Nana post-Papa. Her health deteriorated and we thought it was broken heart, but it turned out to be cancer. Terminal. No treatment because the treatment would kill her. Since then, we had cme to accept it. It wasn't easy, but in February-ish, she had told me she wanted to just die already. I was really upset, but when I told her I wasn't ready for her to go, I left thinking how selfish that was. It was incredibly selfish. I decided that all I needed was one more visit with me and Elliott and I could accept her death and be okay. I still was not eager for it, however I could see why and didn't want her to be unhappy. After she was moved from hospital, she went to a rehabilitation center. She struggled at first because some people tried to let her be coddled, but in order to stay, she had to be "continuing progress". Luckily, she roller coaster-ed in those two-ish months she was there. She was doing very well for a bit, but then took a deep dive south. About two weeks ago, she moved in with my mom and dad and had a 12 hour nurse. Breathing was hard and my mom said she would often panic in the morning around 4am.


Often when I would go see her in the last month, she would close her eyes and ask me to just keep talking to her. She would just go wild when I brought E to see her, especially when he talked. She was just over the moon about him. When he would fall asleep and I was there, I would tuck him under her arm and they would snooze together. I loved it. If I wouldn't bring him, Nana would demand to know where he was. Since she moved in with parents, she began sleeping a lot, stopped eating a few days ago, and then basically stopped drinking two days ago. On Saturday, my parents needed to go get their taxes done and had asked me to go sit with her. I got over there early, around 11 am, and stayed until 4pm. I painted her nails; toes were red, (her favorite color for toes), and then later while she slept I painted her finger nails with a pearly, sheer pink, (her favorite for her finger nails). I talked with her a long time about things she really didn't care about, like work or how the sink got clogged and Matt needed to fix it, and she stayed awake for about an hour with me. My mom said that was the longest she had been awake in a couple days. When I arrived, I asked her to eat some yogurt and she ate 5 bites before she  couldn't eat anymore. She drank a sip or two of water, where then we found a pill she wasn't able to swallow from 6 hours earlier. Besides me asking her if she was cold and her answering, "no", saying yes to a selfie, (actually, I asked her if she wanted to take a picture and then yelled at me, "Of Course!"), and her telling me that the man on ceiling was back after a wide-eyed panic, the last thing we talked about made me smile. She kept waving her hand up and down and side to side and after a few minutes I asked her what she was doing:

Nana: [basically yelling at me] "I'm painting!"
Me: "What are you painting?"
Nana: [much calmer and very matter of fact] "Everything."
Me: "What color are painting things?"
Nana: "All the colors."
Me: "Is it pretty?"
Nana: "It's beautiful."

Silly and probably crazy talk, but it was a nice conversation. It makes me feel a bit better because she didn't really wake up since then, so at least whatever it was that she was seeing was "beautiful". I'm still super creeped out by the man on ceiling; she'd been seeing him for months. Mowing the lawn, raking leaves, hanging out. She would open her eyes and just look freaked out, but then calm down right away. Whenever you aksed her what was wrong she would just say the man on ceiling was back. It was always the same man... Just creepy. I wonder who he was.

Anyway, my mom called the nursing staff yesterday and they stopped almost all her meds, (blood thinners, heart med, heart burn, etc) because she could no longer suck up the water to swallow the pills. My mom she had problems waking her today at all and she had left a meeting early to go home with Nana. When she got there, her day-nurse was changing her diaper, (sadface), and my mom decided to help. As she turned her, my mom said she was breathing all gurgly, and after laying her down my mom put drops that are supposed to help that on her fingers to put in her mouth and she took a deep breath and then gurgled louder. She looked at my mom, her eyes rolled and she was gone. She said when she first found out she had cancer she wanted to look pretty at her funeral and she wanted to die with my mom. She was terrified of dying alone and she didn't. I painted her nails just like she like them and they looked wonderful. For that I am so glad. She went with my mom like she wanted. Mom said she was holding out for her. Ugh, heart breaking.

I love her. She got to meet E and that made her so happy. That is all.
PicMonkey Collage
She hated pictures. Often, she looked like she does with that red wig.

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Our selfie she demanded. I'm glad I took it now even though I looked awful.

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Just for shits and giggles, here she is with my little Chunker-Doodle when he was 10 days old.